“In fact, your thoughts often have much more to do with how you feel than what is actually happening in your life.”

I was listening to a podcast and the guest shared that he informed his family not to bother him for the first hour of his day. He was just always in a cranky mood then and couldn’t be held accountable for his actions.

First thought — one has to applaud someone who is able to recognize their own behaviour and then kindly inform others about.

Second thought — still congrats to this person for recognising their behaviour, also it’s time to realize that this is just his thinking and that can be changed.

What life do you want to live in?

a) One where EVERY DAY you spend at least ONE HOUR being miserable. As well, your family has to deal with you and that you have no interest in changing this behaviour.

OR

b) A life where we’re cognizant enough to recognize patterned negative behaviour and do our best to get out of it.

I’ll take option ‘b’ and am grateful that after many years my Dad did too.

My Dad would go to work and come home every night by 8:15. He would first complain that nobody fed the dog and then want to know where his dinner was. He would get dinner, take it down to the basement and watch TV until he went to bed. You were not to talk to him or make any noise that would disturb him.

David D. Burns in Feeling Good writes, “In fact, your thoughts often have much more to do with how you feel than what is actually happening in your life.”

You would be correct to suggest that I take Dr. Burns’ advice and reframe my thoughts on my Dad. Someone else in my scenario could look at it positively. Dad didn’t care what was going on, so we could get away with whatever we wanted. It was also a routine, so you could plan your life around it. Also, I am now grateful for the experience. I recognize it as having been unpleasant to deal with and so I do my best to not replicate it.

Back to Dad who is much like the podcast guest. They have their set routines, but neither of them are happy. They admit that these moods are unpleasant, but then state that it’s just who they are and nothing can change that.

This is a mindset not a fact. Although their mind believes it’s a fact and that’s why it can’t change. So they continue to make themselves and others miserable around them. Those around them find ways to cope and condition themselves to be less impacted by the behaviour. Yet, the individual continues to feel miserable until they finally wake up. Maybe the podcast guest didn’t, but my Dad did.

Fast forward a number of years and my Dad becomes a grandpa, which means that he has grandchildren and often babysits them. He finds himself at the dinner table eating with his grandkids and daughter at his daughter’s house. His son-in-law comes storming in, barks about shoes being in the way, wants to know where his food is, grabs his plate warming in the oven, and mentions that there’s a game on that he has to watch. Dad is outraged, feels disrespected, feels sorry for his daughter and grandkids, and start to share his angry thoughts on the situation, while my Mom pats his hand and he calms down.

Later that night, he’s raging and can’t sleep. He can’t believe the behaviour that his son-in-law demonstrated until… he remembers the many years that he acted in a similar way and completely justified it in his own head. He thinks about telling the son-in-law about his mistake, but realizes that he has to come to the conclusion on his own and hopes that he will decades before he did.

Dad then spends the next month reflecting on his feelings and the things that bring him joy and great misery. He starts to recognize that they’re all just thoughts and it’s up to him to determine what makes him happy. He isn’t perfect now, but he’s more conscious about questioning his thoughts and behaviours.

I want you to avoid having painful regrets decades from now. Think about your life and your behaviour towards yourself and others. What can you actively do to alter the negative one’s? What can you do to stop the cycle that exists in your own mind that is causing a negative impact on not just you, but potentially those around you?

How will you use the following quote, “In fact, your thoughts often have much more to do with how you feel than what is actually happening in your life,” to change your life in this moment?